


Broken Shards II

by cleste09



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Sad, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 03:37:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4289265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cleste09/pseuds/cleste09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're gone. How do I cope with it? How do I move on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Shards II

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: Death and implied suicide
> 
> This is sort of a sequel to Broken Shards. You can read this on its own but I would advise you to read Broken Shards first to understand more about what had happened. 
> 
> This is from Sebastian's POV. 
> 
> As usual, I do not own any of the characters in here and none of these happened in real life.

The sun did not reflect what I was feeling at the moment.

It was a sunny late August morning in Zurich. I was at the airport, waiting for my flight to be called. It wasn't a flight to Liege, Belgium. Not yet. There was something much more important to attend to before I start to focus on racing.

I was wearing that knitwear again. It was grey with horizontal lines all across the sweater. I was fond of it, because it was from you. A memory of you...

...

_"For you," you had said as you threw a small wrapped package into my lap. I watched you flopping down on the sofa next to me, taking off the Oakleys and placing them above your cap._

_"What's this?" I asked, picking the package up and examining it closely. It was nicely wrapped, as though someone had put it a lot of effort to actually wrap this package up. I eyed you again and you just shrugged, gesturing at the package to get me to open it._

_"I hope it's nothing illegal," I joked as I used my deft fingers to slowly unwrap the package, careful not to tear the wrapping paper. I wanted it perfect, just like you are to me._

_"Am I that bad in your mind?" you snorted as you just slumped further down the sofa, watching me opening it._

_I didn't reply as my focus was on getting rid of the wrapping paper. Underneath it was a small white box. I eyed it, then looking up to see your expression. You just pointed at it, prompting me to get on with it._

_I opened the box and inside it, something was wrapped with thin white paper. I flicked it away and it revealed a grey-ish coloured knitwear. I stared at it, fingers gracing the surface of the knitwear. It was so soft, not like the usual knitwear which were rough. Picking it up, I knew right away that the knitwear will be very comfortable... and expensive._

_"Like it?" you asked, looking nonchalant but I knew you wanted me to like it. You were feeling a bit embarrassed that you had bought me a present._

_"Love it," I replied, pulling the knitwear on. It fitted me well, a bit baggy which was the way I liked it (and you knew it)._

_You whistled slightly as you looked at me wearing the gift you had given me. Seemed like you approved what you were seeing._

_"What's the occasion?" I asked, leaving the knitwear on because I felt warm and cuddly in it, even if it didn't have your scent on it._

_"Is there a need for an occasion?" you asked and I just shrugged, accepting it nonetheless._

_After that, I had always had it on whenever I had important events to go to, like in Monaco, Canada and also... on my birthday in Silverstone._

...

 _"Finnair Flight 858 departing for Helsinki is now available for boarding..."_ the sounds from the tannoy brought me back to the present. I sighed, looking up around me to find people shuffling about to get into queue to board the plane. I got up, picking up my backpack and joined the queue.

It was a quiet flight in Business Class and I appreciated it. It was a sad day for me and I wasn't ready to arrive at the place. Arriving there meant that I had to accept what had happened, accept the fact that you were no longer with us. Tears pooled at the edge of my eyes as I tried to fight them back. Thinking about you had brought me more sorrows, more regrets.

_Why... Why did you leave?_

_"Ladies and gentlemen, we are preparing for descend. Please ensure your seat is upright....."_ the announcement from the air stewardess forced me to wipe away any tears that had fallen from my eyes. I put on my pair of Oakleys to hide from the world.

...

It was so solemn. It was dark and grey, with bits of cream ribbons and flowers, just like how you liked it to be. Walking into the small hut, I saw the coffin laying there in the middle of the room. People had come and gone, paying their last respects. I knew Maurizio was here earlier. He had texted me. He regretted everything too, but it was too late.

I took the few steps closer to the coffin, peering over to see your peaceful face, laying inside, hands resting on your belly. It was like you were just asleep, in deep sleep. I always loved looking at you sleep, when you didn't notice that I was sneaking a few looks at you during the race weekends. You loved to sleep, take many naps in between sessions. But this was forever. You were going to sleep forever.

Before I realise, tears were already falling from my eyes. I couldn't keep them back. We didn't make many memories together as friends but all of them were important. It meant so much to me. You approaching me those years back when I first stepped into F1, when I was practically a nobody, trying to find my footing in the sport. You approached me, talked to me, offered to help me when you knew I couldn't afford much as a kid back then. You were the angel when I was in deep rut.

But now, you've become a real angel.

And damn, I still can't beat you in badminton.

...

_"YES!" you exclaimed loudly as you hit a good smash and the shuttlecock was clearly right on the line._

_You had won the match._

_You chuckled even more when you realised I was pouting in defeat._

_"Hey, it's just a game~" you had said, patting me on the back as Tommi and Mark both toweled down themselves from the doubles match we were playing._

_"Yeah, but I could have won your Ferrari," I pouted. I wanted that car. You were so damn sure that if I won the match, I could take your Enzo._

_"Well then, train harder," you said with a glint in your eyes._

_I gritted my teeth. Oh for damn sure, I am so fucking beating your arse in badminton soon._

But it never happened...

...

"Sebastian, thank you for coming," Paula, your mother approached me while I was sat on the front row.

"My condolences," I said, hugging her.

"I know you were close to him... He always speaks about you," Paula said with a sad smile. "I can only imagine how you feel..." she added.

"I know... But other than staying strong, I don't know what else to do," I said, admitting that I was hurt, sad and depressed but really, what else was I supposed to do? Mourn you and move on.

Paula reached into her small bag and pulled out an envelope which was a bit crumpled.

"I found this in Kimi's old bedroom," Paula said, handing it over. "It was addressed to you," she added.

I took hold of the envelope, looking down at it. The familiar scribble of your handwriting was on it. It wrote "To Sebastian".

I felt Paula's hand resting on my shoulders. A soft squeeze was more than enough to convey what she wanted to tell me. I slowly placed the envelope in my inner pocket of my jacket which I wore over the sweater you gave me, tucking it nicely.

...

As the coffin was laid to rest in the hole in the graveyard, everyone who was gathered there had tears in their eyes. It was too early. It was too quick. You had left us all abruptly. We didn't know what to do to react. Only now, tears were shed, flowers were laid. I reached down to grab a handful of dirt and mud, flicking them into the hole, hitting the coffin softly. I said my prayers, a last goodbye.

It was a sad goodbye.

After the burial ceremony, I stood there, in front of your gravestone. I stared at the photo placed on it. It was a recent photo of you, your usual smirk on your face. You were gone forever and I had to accept it now.

I was living in denial ever since I read that news report. I thought this was joke, a terrible joke that the media was playing on, especially after all the shit they put you through because you were going to be replaced at Ferrari, even when there were no official announcement yet.

I reached out to caress your photo. I miss you so much. I miss having the fleeting touches that we shared when we brushed shoulders or arms while we walked out for the drivers parade. I miss hearing you laugh and chuckle whenever I tried to crack a joke for you. I miss hearing your voice, so unique and warm. I miss sharing rare hugs with you, your arms wrapping around me...

"Please... come back..." I whispered in a trembling voice. I didn't recognise my own voice. It was broken, filled with emotions.

I let it go, the tears falling onto the ground, dripping onto the newly laid tombstone. I love you with my whole heart and now, it is half empty.

...

I arrived back in Zurich a day later, having to pack my bags to head to Liege and drive to Spa-Franchorchamps from there. The house sounded so quiet, felt so empty. We had never shared space before but I still felt lonely.

I got into my room, taking off the jacket. I was still wearing that sweater. I took it off, laying it down on the bed. I was definitely taking it with me to Spa. I took a quick shower, washing away the sorrows, although I knew it was impossible to do so.

I changed into my shorts and t-shirt, rummaging through my wardrobe to pack my bag to Spa. It was then only I realised, I still hadn't touched the envelope Paula gave me.

I walked back over to where the jacket was discarded on the chair. I picked it up and dug for the neatly-folded envelope.

I sat down on the bed, staring at it. Your handwriting staring back at me. I sighed and turned it around, opening it. I peered inside and noticed there was a piece of paper and a small note card.

I took out the note card. It was a drawing of teddy bears and flowers. I frowned at it. It was definitely hand drawn, not printed on. I turned it to the back and what was written there made my breath hitched with overwhelming sadness and regret.

_"I love you, forever."_

I put the card aside, afraid that my tears would stained it and ruined it. I let the tears flow for a while, sniffing and hiccuping at times because of it. After telling myself to calm down, I took the piece of paper with trembling hands and read what was written on it:

 

_Dear Sebastian,_

_By the time you received this, I'm probably not around any longer. I'm sorry. I really am. But it is too much for me to take and handle. I had to go. I had to leave. But there is always one thing that seems to stop me from taking the step. It's you. You, Sebastian, is the one person that I couldn't bear to leave behind if I decided to do it. I love you, ever since I first saw you. But I didn't say anything. I knew you were straight. I was scared that I will ruin what we had._

_It was too much to bear in the end. It was just too much. I know you will be disappointed with me, not being able to soak up everything and carry on. But I couldn't hold on any longer. The only thing I would ever regret is that I'm leaving you behind and you will never know how I felt of you. So this... this is to tell you, you were always the one keeping me sane, keeping me going until I couldn't anymore. I love you Sebastian. But please, don't stop living because of me. Move on, win the championships you deserve, find the right person who could give you love and care, those that I could never have given you because I was scared._

_Goodbye, Sebastian._

_Love, Kimi_

Upon the end of the letter, I just let out a loud wail of despair...

...

"Well done, Sebastian! P1. Grazzie!" the crackling voice over team radio sounded right after I crossed the finish line.

"Grazzie! This is for Kimi," I replied, knowing my voice was breaking with emotions.

I had driven the race with thoughts of you. I had driven the car which carried your name, saying a final goodbye from the team. I had secretly added a photo of us in the cockpit, reminding me that this, this race, this track that you had achieved more wins than any current drivers on the grid that had ever achieved. I wanted to do well for you, make you proud. The note card you had given me tucked in a safe place in my driver's suit. It was my new lucky charm, alongside the coins on my shoes. 

My Kimi, this is for you.

As I made it back to parc ferme, the team were all there, waiting for me. Like I had requested, all of them were holding up Finnish flags together with the Ferrari and Italian flags. I stood up on the car, finally pointing at the sleeve of my racing suit. A Finnish flag with a #7 on it. This was for you, Kimi.

I went to hug the team, feeling their emotions. They had decided not to run your car in the race, out of respect for you. I had done this, just for you. To win for you, just like what you told me to do in that letter.

Standing up on the podium, I listened to the national anthems and then received the trophies. I heard the chants of your name from the crowd. I pointed at them, then at the trophy. _"For Kimi"_ I had mouthed.

As Martin took to the podium to interview us, he had asked me about the emotions that I was feeling and how was I taking it.

"This race was tough, for the team and especially for me. It's a dark few weeks ever since we... received the news. This win is not for me, not for Ferrari. This win is for him, for Kimi. He would be proud of me, of us, that we had managed to beat the Mercedes here, on a track that needs high horsepower. So yeah, this is for Kimi, only for him," I said and the deafening cheers from the crowd that followed my answer warmed my heart, knowing that you were so well loved by every fan. I was touched.

...

That night, the team had a quiet celebration at the hotel. I was wearing that sweater you gave me again.

"He'll be proud," Maurizio's voice rang in my ears amongst the music blaring in the bar area.

"I hope he had seen it..." I said, looking down at my drink.

"He had... I know he will never let you go. He'll be watching over you," Maurizio said.

I took a sip of the beer I was having, not answering him.

There was no need for an answer. I just had to move on, but with you in my heart, forever.

 _I love you, Kimi. Forever._  


End file.
